This past week has been and still is rather challenging for me. I have felt like a ball in a pin ball machine. I am all over the place with thoughts and emotions that are pretty valid but very overwhelming. All of this has caused a question to come up in my life. Can you have both a thick skin and a soft heart? One might say of course can....but I am not really sure about that. Its very confusing to me.
My husband and I were talking the other night about how I am proud of the fact that one of my greatest traits is my strength. I am a very strong person. I prefer to not really let things get to me and I often go by the phrase "there is no use crying over spilled milk" But over the years I have watched it almost shift to a different kind of strength that is almost false....and kind of wearing.
I remember growing up my mom of all people would laugh at me when I would cry at a movie or when something happened to somebody else in life that was sad and my mom would laugh about it all week. I remember it so clearly because I have a daughter now who is the same way. She has the softest heart and I feel a strong desire to guard that as her mother. On the contrary I also want to yell at her and say "stop crying, stop crying...that wont get you anywhere" I have only said that to her one time (Thank God) but still felt confused afterwards. How on earth do I let her be sensitive and yet not be a cry baby and have her crumble every time something hurtful happens.
My biggest fear is that I would teach her that crying is a sign of weakness.....which is a thought I have seemed to develop over the years. I would even go as far as saying that feeling anything, for me, is weakness. Nothing can hurt me. It has completely effected my relationship with God. Which really bums me out.
I dont know how many times I have been in a worship service and thought to myself "where the heck are you?" "why cant I feel you....or sense you even a little bit?" I can sense God looking at me like "really Christine?" "Yes lets answer that question"
There are countless verses in the Bible where the Lord talks about being near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18) and a broken spirit He will not deny. (Psalm 51:17) And in some cases he has even commanded people to weep over something and wail. Thank goodness it is not all the time. There are times and seasons and I get that. But it seems I am in a drought.
I think it is important to have a thick skin, especially in this day and age. You just cant let things get to you. But how do you maintain a thick skin and a sensitive and "flesh like" heart? A heart that is the Lords and yielded to his feelings and a heart that can see what He sees. I am eager to search this out!
The scripture in Matthew 10:16 came to me as I read this: "Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." That is a big contrast there! The Holy Spirit inside us keeps our hearts tender and leads us into those times where we weep for those who cannot weep, etc.
ReplyDeleteThere is a HUGE difference in having "thick skin" and walls of self protection...maybe God is trying to let go of those self protecting mechanisms? Letting go of those things is very difficult, but worth every moment of pain.
Love you!