So this has been a very bad day for me....but nonetheless I can feel the raging and it has been an exhausting tug-of-war today.
Anyway..."at the end. of.my.rope. is probably a good explanation of where I am in life right now. Just done.
I was reflecting a little bit on all of it today and I saw a picture in my mind......I assume God showed this to me. I was on a very high cliff and and I was dangling from a rope....it was knotted..kinda like those ropes you climb in gym class.
I was obviously at the very end and I kept looking down to see where I would land if I let go. At first all I could see was fog or maybe clouds passing under me. That was not very encouraging.
I climbed up the rope a bit and just hugged and it closed my eyes. Then in the quietness I heard "all you have to do is let go...Im right here" I didnt open my eyes but I "saw" Him with his arms open wide and a smile that can only be described as patiently anxious.... He was waiting on me but excited for when I do let go.
I suddenly turned my attention to the rope and noticed that my hands weren't blistered and I had just enough strength to hold on. I thought to myself "why would you give me strength to hold on to a rope that you want me to let go of?" I would assume He would stand there knowing I would lose strength eventually and be there to catch me when I lose my grip. No. He simply said, "the choice is yours"
Thats it...
What does it look like to let go....like really let go? I think sometimes we say we have let go but we really havent.. I know I am at fault.
What does it look like to let go?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
From birth I have relied on you.....
I was going to start this by asking you to close your eyes and tell me what picture comes to your mind when you hear the word "dependency".......but then I realized your eyes need to actually be opened to read this. So maybe after this good read, you can try it!
The question on my mind is, what does it look like to be completely dependent on God? For me when I close my eyes and think about it, the picture of a mother nursing her newborn baby comes to mind, or believe it or not, a mother bird feeding her young from her mouth. Im not sure why. But I dont like it. Thats a little to dependent for me. It could look different to another person. Maybe ones dependency could be similar to a rock climber and his harness....and so on. Of course there are different seasons in our life. I suppose I could relate it to how a child grows up under their parents wing. Eventually they have to leave the "nest" if you will but they always need their....covering.
As you have seen in previous posts I am a pretty strong individual....and I like to think that I am a person that can carry my own. Im not saying I am resistant to help...we all need each other. But I am saying that I am deeply confused as to how I am suppose to be who I am but yet give that over to God as if what He has given me to function in this life doesnt matter. How am I suppose to be completely reliant on Him and yet be a strong leader/person? I guess the problem is that I see reliance on God as a weakness and not a strength as God tells us it is.
I think I have also seen too many people use God as a crutch for their problems and it has really bothered me through the years. I have been around people who say "well I am just trusting the Lord to provide for me." While that is a great response, it can sometimes be an excuse to ignore issues in that persons life that caused them to get to that point, where they were desperate for a "breakthrough" . Maybe they arent very good with money and actually what they need is a lesson in how to manage finances. I dont think that would take away from their dependence on God, but I have known some who disagree.
I believe God gave us brains to think and hands to create. When you need things you go get them...you work. While all that is biblical when does it get to the point where its pride and self sufficiency?
It is dangerous to think that we dont need God especially when He is the one who gave us the right to breath and thrive. There is a verse in Psalms that I love so much , Psalm 71:6 From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother's womb. I will ever praise you. I want to learn more and more everyday how to properly rely on Him.
OK....now close your eyes .....what do you see when you hear the word dependency or dependent?
The question on my mind is, what does it look like to be completely dependent on God? For me when I close my eyes and think about it, the picture of a mother nursing her newborn baby comes to mind, or believe it or not, a mother bird feeding her young from her mouth. Im not sure why. But I dont like it. Thats a little to dependent for me. It could look different to another person. Maybe ones dependency could be similar to a rock climber and his harness....and so on. Of course there are different seasons in our life. I suppose I could relate it to how a child grows up under their parents wing. Eventually they have to leave the "nest" if you will but they always need their....covering.
As you have seen in previous posts I am a pretty strong individual....and I like to think that I am a person that can carry my own. Im not saying I am resistant to help...we all need each other. But I am saying that I am deeply confused as to how I am suppose to be who I am but yet give that over to God as if what He has given me to function in this life doesnt matter. How am I suppose to be completely reliant on Him and yet be a strong leader/person? I guess the problem is that I see reliance on God as a weakness and not a strength as God tells us it is.
I think I have also seen too many people use God as a crutch for their problems and it has really bothered me through the years. I have been around people who say "well I am just trusting the Lord to provide for me." While that is a great response, it can sometimes be an excuse to ignore issues in that persons life that caused them to get to that point, where they were desperate for a "breakthrough" . Maybe they arent very good with money and actually what they need is a lesson in how to manage finances. I dont think that would take away from their dependence on God, but I have known some who disagree.
I believe God gave us brains to think and hands to create. When you need things you go get them...you work. While all that is biblical when does it get to the point where its pride and self sufficiency?
It is dangerous to think that we dont need God especially when He is the one who gave us the right to breath and thrive. There is a verse in Psalms that I love so much , Psalm 71:6 From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother's womb. I will ever praise you. I want to learn more and more everyday how to properly rely on Him.
OK....now close your eyes .....what do you see when you hear the word dependency or dependent?
Friday, April 1, 2011
Weeping may endure for a night......
This past week has been and still is rather challenging for me. I have felt like a ball in a pin ball machine. I am all over the place with thoughts and emotions that are pretty valid but very overwhelming. All of this has caused a question to come up in my life. Can you have both a thick skin and a soft heart? One might say of course can....but I am not really sure about that. Its very confusing to me.
My husband and I were talking the other night about how I am proud of the fact that one of my greatest traits is my strength. I am a very strong person. I prefer to not really let things get to me and I often go by the phrase "there is no use crying over spilled milk" But over the years I have watched it almost shift to a different kind of strength that is almost false....and kind of wearing.
I remember growing up my mom of all people would laugh at me when I would cry at a movie or when something happened to somebody else in life that was sad and my mom would laugh about it all week. I remember it so clearly because I have a daughter now who is the same way. She has the softest heart and I feel a strong desire to guard that as her mother. On the contrary I also want to yell at her and say "stop crying, stop crying...that wont get you anywhere" I have only said that to her one time (Thank God) but still felt confused afterwards. How on earth do I let her be sensitive and yet not be a cry baby and have her crumble every time something hurtful happens.
My biggest fear is that I would teach her that crying is a sign of weakness.....which is a thought I have seemed to develop over the years. I would even go as far as saying that feeling anything, for me, is weakness. Nothing can hurt me. It has completely effected my relationship with God. Which really bums me out.
I dont know how many times I have been in a worship service and thought to myself "where the heck are you?" "why cant I feel you....or sense you even a little bit?" I can sense God looking at me like "really Christine?" "Yes lets answer that question"
There are countless verses in the Bible where the Lord talks about being near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18) and a broken spirit He will not deny. (Psalm 51:17) And in some cases he has even commanded people to weep over something and wail. Thank goodness it is not all the time. There are times and seasons and I get that. But it seems I am in a drought.
I think it is important to have a thick skin, especially in this day and age. You just cant let things get to you. But how do you maintain a thick skin and a sensitive and "flesh like" heart? A heart that is the Lords and yielded to his feelings and a heart that can see what He sees. I am eager to search this out!
My husband and I were talking the other night about how I am proud of the fact that one of my greatest traits is my strength. I am a very strong person. I prefer to not really let things get to me and I often go by the phrase "there is no use crying over spilled milk" But over the years I have watched it almost shift to a different kind of strength that is almost false....and kind of wearing.
I remember growing up my mom of all people would laugh at me when I would cry at a movie or when something happened to somebody else in life that was sad and my mom would laugh about it all week. I remember it so clearly because I have a daughter now who is the same way. She has the softest heart and I feel a strong desire to guard that as her mother. On the contrary I also want to yell at her and say "stop crying, stop crying...that wont get you anywhere" I have only said that to her one time (Thank God) but still felt confused afterwards. How on earth do I let her be sensitive and yet not be a cry baby and have her crumble every time something hurtful happens.
My biggest fear is that I would teach her that crying is a sign of weakness.....which is a thought I have seemed to develop over the years. I would even go as far as saying that feeling anything, for me, is weakness. Nothing can hurt me. It has completely effected my relationship with God. Which really bums me out.
I dont know how many times I have been in a worship service and thought to myself "where the heck are you?" "why cant I feel you....or sense you even a little bit?" I can sense God looking at me like "really Christine?" "Yes lets answer that question"
There are countless verses in the Bible where the Lord talks about being near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18) and a broken spirit He will not deny. (Psalm 51:17) And in some cases he has even commanded people to weep over something and wail. Thank goodness it is not all the time. There are times and seasons and I get that. But it seems I am in a drought.
I think it is important to have a thick skin, especially in this day and age. You just cant let things get to you. But how do you maintain a thick skin and a sensitive and "flesh like" heart? A heart that is the Lords and yielded to his feelings and a heart that can see what He sees. I am eager to search this out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)