Two masters...

I wanted to share something pretty amazing.  A revelation that I will carry with me forever.  I have been in a very dark and crushing season and as much as we share those times with people I think it is also important to share in the victories and times of revelation.  So here it is....it is a bit on the vulnerable side....what isnt right? I hope you can enjoy and take something from this.

Im not sure how to start this so I will just start by saying this season has been a very dark one and scary.  I  cant count the number of times I have said.. "something is wrong...I cant place it....but something is wrong"  I knew that somewhere along the line my heart had changed and my approach and relationship with God had changed dramatically.  Every now and then great things would happen, like little encounters with God would happen via friends, church or late night convo's with Jesus.   But it wasnt enough.  I wanted more but I was hitting a wall.....a big fat unbreakable wall.  

I knew something had changed in my heart and I didnt like it.  I wasnt the same and I had noooo idea how to get back to "me" again.

About three weeks ago Anthony and I were driving to church and I of course was thinking and thinking about how to make our situation better.  What situation? No money.  Then I started to think about some friends of ours who have a lot of money....my thought was "they must be loaded" then immediately after I thought "how does one get loaded".  I was a little shocked by that thought.  Not that I thought it was bad but I knew my motive was wrong behind it.  I could see myself drooling and licking my lips in anticipation of being rich. 

I was pretty disturbed by it...and my heart sank at the thought of it....but I ignored it.   

So the following week I began to ask God more and more what was going on.  There had been a change what was it?

So one day in my stress I closed my eyes and saw our situation and added 4,000.00 to it and miraculously all the weight came off my shoulders.  Just like that all the worries were gone, I could breath again and I knew everything was gonna be ok.  So then I removed money from the equation and immediately felt stressed, angry and confused.  hmm...interesting.  I thought "well of course, money makes everything all better".... uh oh! 

I began to look at things pretty closely bc I began to see a theme.......my heart was after one thing and one thing only......money. To me that had become the be all and end all in my life. 

So this Saturday after church Anthony and I were at the gas station next to the rec center.  It seems that the Saturdays we are there I always see the same guy there.  A man in a nice business outfit, driving a BMW (I think).  This Sat he caught my attention.  So I observed from afar.  It is very obvious that this man has money.  I watched the way he carried himself.  He seemed content....but also discontent.  Prob the way a person would seem without Jesus.  

I intently looked at him and thought to myself, "If I had a lot of money, would I still cultivate a relationship with God and would my heart still be right with Him?"  

I didnt answer the question.  I couldnt.  Prob didnt want to.  

So last week I was awakened in the middle of the night and I heard 1Peter 5:8.  So I read it. 

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

I was a little bewildered and I didnt understand why I was getting that.  So I read the commentary on it.  Basically watch out! The enemy is after your heart.  I didnt think anything of it.  And really I thought maybe He was talking to me about this Harold Camping guy.  Like hey the world isnt going to end, watch out for guys like him. 

I soon found out thats not what God was talking to me about...at all. 

So a couple of days ago I began to crumble.  Every single thing I had been doing for us to get back on our feet was failing, all my efforts to get our money back in large portions was failing and I hated my life.  

Yesterday was horrible for me.  I was crying out to God "please just show me what went wrong" "just show me what needs to change".....and He did. 

Anthony came home from work yesterday and I took a nap....I had dreams that I couldnt remember but I woke up with revelation.  

I saw my self in the month of February sitting in front of my laptop looking at our bank account.  We got our tax returns and my immediate thought was "ok now everything is better, thanks God I will take it from here" The Lord showed me that on that day something switched in my brain.  It was like I felt I didnt need God anymore bc I had everything I needed.  Then when it was gone....my world was shattered and hopeless.  

In my heart my focus had changed without me even knowing it (be sober and vigilant) 

From that point on my heart could have cared less if I was obeying God, or if my heart was right with him.....as long as I had money and "security" I was happy and that was ALL I needed.   I remembered the verse...the lord tests the heart of His children.  And He certainly did.  

I was very honest with myself and Anthony last night in that I had the revelation of where my heart had wandered but I didnt care.  If I were to go to God and "repent" of my ways it wouldnt be genuine.  I would still angrily want Him to just give me money and make everything better.  So I had the revelation but still didnt care.  But I wanted to.  Please God give me a heart of flesh for a heart of stone.  Cleanse me and renew in me a clean heart and pure spirit.  

So this morning I woke up weightless but my heart felt like it had been....pierced.  I read the verse that blesses me so so much The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

I thought....."wow....that whole time....you were patient with me...you truly are good!" I felt sorrow...in a good way.  Kinda like you can feel your heart melting in goodness and revelation.

Im not saying that money is bad....not at all. But in this case it was my master and object of my affection...not God.  It was my goal, my joy, my peace.  It says in the bible, you can serve two masters...its either God or money.  I get that now.  I understand it.  

Funny how that can change everything. 

So.....what to do from here.  Renew renew renew and look at nothing else but Jesus.  Casting every care on Him not money.  Loving Him and not money.  And trusting that if there is ever a time where we have a "cozy" amount of money again , that I will still look to Him and love Him and make Him number one.  

Freedom awaits.......

I was praying for someone once and I had a picture of them that I have never ever been able to forget.  This person was sitting in a jail cell he was wearing a very bright, almost neon, white shirt. I saw that there were chains everywhere but they were not connected to his physical body. He was just sitting there.  The door to the cell was wide open.  Open and available for him to walk right out and truly be free.  The chains were already off there was nothing holding him back but his own will keeping him there.  I could see Jesus just standing there saying "what are you doing?? Come out!!"
I will never ever forget that.  It was one of the most revealing picture I have seen (so far). How many times have we been released of the chains that hold us back but we stay right there in our dungeon of entitlement.  Yes entitlement.  And oh how sad it is.  Let me elaborate on that.  So often we are hurt or something happens to us and we grab on to that hurt with a strong grip and refuse to let go. Why? For me its ownership and rights to hold something over someones head.  One of my friends calls it "ammo"  "You hurt me so bad and now Im not letting go...and I will never let go.  How crazy is that? As if it brings such a benefit to us.
Throughout my life I have had the tendency to hold on to an offense by not talking about it to the person who offended me.   I would make excuse after excuse as to why I wouldnt just simply come forward and reveal my heart. Yes some of it is fear.  I genuinely believed all these things that I was claiming to be the "real reason" I would not speak.  But this week the Lord used an event to drop a special nugget of truth into my heart that freed me from all the excuses I made.  The Lord said "when you choose to hold on to the offense it becomes a false sense of entitlement. "This is mine, I own this and Im using is against you" But when you let it go and reveal it then it is no longer yours and is no longer hidden. You have to let it go.
Offense can be so empowering but in the wrong way and eventually leads to destruction.  Sadly enough for some its what keeps us sitting in the cell in misery all bc we want to just hold on.
What could your holding cell be?  Past sins? Hidden offenses? Unmet expectation? Offense against God? Yes  thats what I said.  It is possible and so many times in our relationship with Him it enters our heart and we dont even know it.  I can be honest enough to say thats happened to me and still remains.  But the good news it that the door is open and it is easy....get up and walk. Walk out of the shame. Walk out the hurts. Walk out your freedom awaits......

the end.

So this has been a very bad day for me....but nonetheless I can feel the raging and it has been an exhausting tug-of-war today.
Anyway..."at the end. of.my.rope. is probably a good explanation of where I am in life right now.  Just done.
I was reflecting a little bit on all of it today and I saw a picture in my mind......I assume God showed this to me.   I was on a very high cliff and and I was dangling from a rope....it was knotted..kinda like those ropes you climb in gym class.
I was obviously at the very end and I kept looking down to see where I would land if I let go.  At first all I could see was fog or maybe clouds passing under me.  That was not very encouraging.
I climbed up the rope a bit and just hugged and it closed my eyes.   Then in the quietness I heard "all you have to do is let go...Im right here" I didnt open my eyes but I "saw" Him with his arms open wide and a smile that can only be described as patiently anxious....  He was waiting on me but excited for when I do let go.
I suddenly turned my attention to the rope and noticed that my hands weren't blistered and I had just enough strength to hold on.   I thought to myself "why would you give me strength to hold on to a rope that you want me to let go of?" I would assume He would stand there knowing I would lose strength eventually and be there to catch me when I lose my grip.  No.  He simply said, "the choice is yours"
Thats it...
What does it look like to let go....like really let go?  I think sometimes we say we have let go but we really havent.. I know I am at fault.
What does it look like to let go?

From birth I have relied on you.....

I was going to start this by asking you to close your eyes and tell me what picture comes to your mind when you hear the word "dependency".......but then I realized your eyes need to actually be opened to read this.  So maybe after this good read, you can try it!
The question on my mind is, what does it look like to be completely dependent on God?  For me when I close my eyes and think about it, the picture of a mother nursing her newborn baby comes to mind, or believe it or not, a mother bird feeding  her young  from her mouth.   Im not sure why.  But I dont like it.  Thats a little to dependent for me. It could look different to another person.  Maybe ones dependency could be similar to a rock climber and his harness....and so on.  Of course there are different seasons in our life.  I suppose I could relate it to how a child grows up under their parents wing. Eventually they have to leave the "nest" if you will but they always need their....covering.
As you have seen in previous posts I am a pretty strong individual....and I like to think that I am a person that can carry my own.  Im not saying I am resistant to help...we all need each other.  But I am saying that I am deeply confused as to how I am suppose to be who I am but yet give that over to God as if what He has given me to function in this life doesnt matter.  How am I suppose to be completely reliant on Him and yet be a strong leader/person? I guess the problem is that I see reliance on God as a weakness and not a strength as God tells us it is.
I think I have also seen too many people use God as a crutch for their problems and it has really bothered me through the years.  I have been around people who say "well I am just trusting the Lord to provide for me." While that is a great response, it can sometimes be an excuse to ignore issues in that persons life that caused them to get to that point, where they were desperate for a "breakthrough" .  Maybe they arent very good with money and actually what they need is a lesson in how to manage finances.  I dont think that would take away from their dependence on God, but I have known some who disagree.
I believe God gave us brains to think and  hands to create. When you need things you go get them...you work. While all that is biblical  when does it get to the point where its pride and self sufficiency?
 It is dangerous to  think that we dont need God especially when He is the one who gave us the right to breath and thrive.  There is a verse in Psalms that I love so much , Psalm 71:6 From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother's womb. I will ever praise you.  I want to learn more and more everyday how to properly rely on Him. 
OK....now close your eyes .....what do you see when you hear the word dependency or dependent?

Weeping may endure for a night......

This past week has been and still is rather challenging for me. I have felt like a ball in a pin ball machine.  I am all over the place with thoughts and emotions that are pretty valid but very overwhelming.  All of this has caused a question to come up in my life.  Can you have both a thick skin and a soft heart?  One might say of course can....but I am not really sure about that.  Its very confusing to me.
My husband and I were talking the other night about how I am proud of the fact that one of my greatest traits is my strength.  I am a very strong person. I prefer to not really let things get to me and  I often go by the phrase "there is no use crying over spilled milk"   But over the years I have watched it almost shift to a different kind of strength that is almost false....and kind of wearing.  
I remember growing up my mom of all people would laugh at me when I would cry at a movie or when something happened to somebody else in life that was sad and my mom would laugh about it all week.  I remember it so clearly because I have a daughter now who is the same way.  She has the softest heart and I feel a strong desire to guard that as her mother.  On the contrary I also want to yell at her and say "stop crying, stop crying...that wont get you anywhere"  I have only said that to her one time (Thank God) but still felt confused afterwards.  How on earth do I let her be sensitive and yet not be a cry baby and have her crumble every time something hurtful happens.
My biggest fear is that I would teach her that crying is a sign of weakness.....which is a thought I have seemed to develop over the years. I would even go as far as saying that feeling anything, for me, is weakness.  Nothing can hurt me. It has completely effected my relationship with God.  Which really bums me out.
I dont know how many times I have been in a worship service and thought to myself "where the heck are you?" "why cant I feel you....or sense you even a little bit?"   I can sense God looking at me like "really Christine?"  "Yes lets answer that question"
There are countless verses in the Bible where the Lord talks about being near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18) and a broken spirit He will not deny.  (Psalm 51:17)  And in some cases he has even commanded people to weep over something and wail.   Thank goodness it is not all the time.  There are times and seasons and I get that.  But it seems I am in a drought.
I think it is important to have a thick skin, especially in this day and age.  You just cant let things get to you.  But how do you maintain a thick skin and a sensitive and "flesh like" heart?  A heart that is the Lords and yielded to his feelings and a heart that can see what He sees.  I am eager to search this out!

Dark and lovely am I

In this crazy season of my life one thing that I have really enjoyed is hearing very profound and moving words from the Lord.  I feel like I have come out of a very dry season where I heard nothing but the mocking voices in my head laughing at me bc I couldnt hear his voice.  So hearing and revelation is a beautiful and relieving thing right now! 

About a week ago, I was laying on my bed and I felt the Lord as if He was sitting in front of me.  He asked me a gentle question, "when was the last time you quieted your heart before me?"  I answered Him and said "I cant remember...I havent"  Then gently He said " All I want you to do is sit here and look at me....just look at me"  "If you look at me you see nothing else"  

 I was hit with such a revelation of Him.....that means if He wants me to look at Him....then in return He wants to look at me too. 

I have been blessed to be able to sit under teaching from Pastors and leaders about the Song of Solomon and how it relates to our relationship to the Lord.  How the Lord describes his "bride" and how He sees us despite how we see ourselves.  A verse I like to dwell on is ,"Dark am I, yet lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon"  In that verse she is describing how she has been darkened by the cares of the world and by the sin in her heart.  But she is also describing her understanding that even in her darkness, her Lord sees her as lovely and beautiful.  I am dumbfounded by that!   

Obviously when I look at Jesus I see every good thing and I am overwhelmed with His deep love.  But could it be that when He looks at me (you) He sees profound beauty in the weakness and search for him?....Yes I think so.  Is it hard to grasp? Yes! But I am willing.  I am more comfortable with just sitting there looking at Him and seeing His love.  I would rather He didnt look at me.  But perhaps if I saw myself then way He sees me then maybe it wouldnt matter so much.   I am dark yet lovely.

Tongue Tied

So this is my first blog....ever.  I have never been one to be open up enough to sit down and actually write my thoughts and inner battles down for others to see.  Most blogs are fun and light hearted. I have chosen this blog to be more focused on more serious matters and maybe what the Lord is doing in my heart......and what better time to start but now :)

I feel like I have a lot to say but I also feel like this is a time in life where I need to talk less....much less.  Seems like there is a little too much going on in this heart of mine and when I open my mouth....good things dont come out...here it is more controlled and filtered. :)

I seem to be hurting people with my words lately and it is totally not intentional.  Its just whats happening.  By the time I have said what I have said, its already too late. Doh! ugh!  seriously? Did that JUST come out of my mouth?!   This continuous pattern has gripped my attention and caused me to look at  the situation with concern. I was coming home from church tonight and this verse kept coming to my mind over and over.... "I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence"  I mostly focused on the muzzle part.......yes a muzzle.  A little harsh yes but the thing is, is that the people I love are in my presence so to me its that much more important to do whatever it takes me keep my tongue from sinning.  I dont feel like the Lord is saying "Hey..you...wear a muzzle"  But I do feel like the Lord is saying "Lets do less talking for a while"  Not too long ago the Lord asked me to quiet my heart before Him....I believe this is part of it.  
I will admit that this will be extremely uncomfortable for me......to just stand there and not say much is.....well I cant even put words to it.  But it makes me cringe.  I dont like it.  
There is a verse in Job that I like a lot and for now it sums everything up.  "Teach me, and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong.   And so it begins.