Two masters...

I wanted to share something pretty amazing.  A revelation that I will carry with me forever.  I have been in a very dark and crushing season and as much as we share those times with people I think it is also important to share in the victories and times of revelation.  So here it is....it is a bit on the vulnerable side....what isnt right? I hope you can enjoy and take something from this.

Im not sure how to start this so I will just start by saying this season has been a very dark one and scary.  I  cant count the number of times I have said.. "something is wrong...I cant place it....but something is wrong"  I knew that somewhere along the line my heart had changed and my approach and relationship with God had changed dramatically.  Every now and then great things would happen, like little encounters with God would happen via friends, church or late night convo's with Jesus.   But it wasnt enough.  I wanted more but I was hitting a wall.....a big fat unbreakable wall.  

I knew something had changed in my heart and I didnt like it.  I wasnt the same and I had noooo idea how to get back to "me" again.

About three weeks ago Anthony and I were driving to church and I of course was thinking and thinking about how to make our situation better.  What situation? No money.  Then I started to think about some friends of ours who have a lot of money....my thought was "they must be loaded" then immediately after I thought "how does one get loaded".  I was a little shocked by that thought.  Not that I thought it was bad but I knew my motive was wrong behind it.  I could see myself drooling and licking my lips in anticipation of being rich. 

I was pretty disturbed by it...and my heart sank at the thought of it....but I ignored it.   

So the following week I began to ask God more and more what was going on.  There had been a change what was it?

So one day in my stress I closed my eyes and saw our situation and added 4,000.00 to it and miraculously all the weight came off my shoulders.  Just like that all the worries were gone, I could breath again and I knew everything was gonna be ok.  So then I removed money from the equation and immediately felt stressed, angry and confused.  hmm...interesting.  I thought "well of course, money makes everything all better".... uh oh! 

I began to look at things pretty closely bc I began to see a theme.......my heart was after one thing and one thing only......money. To me that had become the be all and end all in my life. 

So this Saturday after church Anthony and I were at the gas station next to the rec center.  It seems that the Saturdays we are there I always see the same guy there.  A man in a nice business outfit, driving a BMW (I think).  This Sat he caught my attention.  So I observed from afar.  It is very obvious that this man has money.  I watched the way he carried himself.  He seemed content....but also discontent.  Prob the way a person would seem without Jesus.  

I intently looked at him and thought to myself, "If I had a lot of money, would I still cultivate a relationship with God and would my heart still be right with Him?"  

I didnt answer the question.  I couldnt.  Prob didnt want to.  

So last week I was awakened in the middle of the night and I heard 1Peter 5:8.  So I read it. 

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

I was a little bewildered and I didnt understand why I was getting that.  So I read the commentary on it.  Basically watch out! The enemy is after your heart.  I didnt think anything of it.  And really I thought maybe He was talking to me about this Harold Camping guy.  Like hey the world isnt going to end, watch out for guys like him. 

I soon found out thats not what God was talking to me about...at all. 

So a couple of days ago I began to crumble.  Every single thing I had been doing for us to get back on our feet was failing, all my efforts to get our money back in large portions was failing and I hated my life.  

Yesterday was horrible for me.  I was crying out to God "please just show me what went wrong" "just show me what needs to change".....and He did. 

Anthony came home from work yesterday and I took a nap....I had dreams that I couldnt remember but I woke up with revelation.  

I saw my self in the month of February sitting in front of my laptop looking at our bank account.  We got our tax returns and my immediate thought was "ok now everything is better, thanks God I will take it from here" The Lord showed me that on that day something switched in my brain.  It was like I felt I didnt need God anymore bc I had everything I needed.  Then when it was gone....my world was shattered and hopeless.  

In my heart my focus had changed without me even knowing it (be sober and vigilant) 

From that point on my heart could have cared less if I was obeying God, or if my heart was right with him.....as long as I had money and "security" I was happy and that was ALL I needed.   I remembered the verse...the lord tests the heart of His children.  And He certainly did.  

I was very honest with myself and Anthony last night in that I had the revelation of where my heart had wandered but I didnt care.  If I were to go to God and "repent" of my ways it wouldnt be genuine.  I would still angrily want Him to just give me money and make everything better.  So I had the revelation but still didnt care.  But I wanted to.  Please God give me a heart of flesh for a heart of stone.  Cleanse me and renew in me a clean heart and pure spirit.  

So this morning I woke up weightless but my heart felt like it had been....pierced.  I read the verse that blesses me so so much The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

I thought....."wow....that whole time....you were patient with me...you truly are good!" I felt sorrow...in a good way.  Kinda like you can feel your heart melting in goodness and revelation.

Im not saying that money is bad....not at all. But in this case it was my master and object of my affection...not God.  It was my goal, my joy, my peace.  It says in the bible, you can serve two masters...its either God or money.  I get that now.  I understand it.  

Funny how that can change everything. 

So.....what to do from here.  Renew renew renew and look at nothing else but Jesus.  Casting every care on Him not money.  Loving Him and not money.  And trusting that if there is ever a time where we have a "cozy" amount of money again , that I will still look to Him and love Him and make Him number one.  

Freedom awaits.......

I was praying for someone once and I had a picture of them that I have never ever been able to forget.  This person was sitting in a jail cell he was wearing a very bright, almost neon, white shirt. I saw that there were chains everywhere but they were not connected to his physical body. He was just sitting there.  The door to the cell was wide open.  Open and available for him to walk right out and truly be free.  The chains were already off there was nothing holding him back but his own will keeping him there.  I could see Jesus just standing there saying "what are you doing?? Come out!!"
I will never ever forget that.  It was one of the most revealing picture I have seen (so far). How many times have we been released of the chains that hold us back but we stay right there in our dungeon of entitlement.  Yes entitlement.  And oh how sad it is.  Let me elaborate on that.  So often we are hurt or something happens to us and we grab on to that hurt with a strong grip and refuse to let go. Why? For me its ownership and rights to hold something over someones head.  One of my friends calls it "ammo"  "You hurt me so bad and now Im not letting go...and I will never let go.  How crazy is that? As if it brings such a benefit to us.
Throughout my life I have had the tendency to hold on to an offense by not talking about it to the person who offended me.   I would make excuse after excuse as to why I wouldnt just simply come forward and reveal my heart. Yes some of it is fear.  I genuinely believed all these things that I was claiming to be the "real reason" I would not speak.  But this week the Lord used an event to drop a special nugget of truth into my heart that freed me from all the excuses I made.  The Lord said "when you choose to hold on to the offense it becomes a false sense of entitlement. "This is mine, I own this and Im using is against you" But when you let it go and reveal it then it is no longer yours and is no longer hidden. You have to let it go.
Offense can be so empowering but in the wrong way and eventually leads to destruction.  Sadly enough for some its what keeps us sitting in the cell in misery all bc we want to just hold on.
What could your holding cell be?  Past sins? Hidden offenses? Unmet expectation? Offense against God? Yes  thats what I said.  It is possible and so many times in our relationship with Him it enters our heart and we dont even know it.  I can be honest enough to say thats happened to me and still remains.  But the good news it that the door is open and it is easy....get up and walk. Walk out of the shame. Walk out the hurts. Walk out your freedom awaits......